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12 Nov 2014

A Consequence of saying 'Yes'

At the beginning of this year I made the conscious decision to say 'yes' to everything. 'Yes' to everything that scared me, 'yes' to every opportunity, 'yes' to every experience that had even the slightest chance of being a great one.

On June 12th this year I was at a tag rugby after party with 6 or 7 of my girl friends. We drank way too much cider, talked about silly things, took in the atmosphere of the rugby club and enjoyed the 90's music. It was a perfectly comfortable setting and I was completely happy to stay there all night. However, my best friend really, really wanted to get a taxi in to the city and to hit the town there. I thought it was a terrible idea, it was midnight, I had a gear bag full of football boots and clothes, I was closer to home at the rugby club and my dad would be able to pick me up. If I went in to town I would have to stay in there and it would be late the next day by the time I got home. Also none of our other friends wanted to go so it would just be the two of us. I had a million of viable excuses.

After convincing two of our male friends to come and split the taxi with us, she continued to beg me to come. I knew I was playing it safe by not going. This could end up to be the best night of my life so I listened to my 'live in the moment and say yes to everything' motto and hopped in the taxi.

The four of us went to one of the busiest pubs in the city and it was buzzing, alcohol may have had a part to play but I was instantly glad I had come. I was right to say yes and to create this memory with three of my friends. At the end of the day, I am only young once and definitely won't always have zero responsibilities that allow me to live in the moment like this. I had no idea just how significant my decision to come would be. I was oblivious to the fact that this one small act of ceasing the day would change the entire course of my summer.

I am not quiet sure how I met him. We will call him Adam for confidentiality purposes. My first sight of him is little more than a hazy memory. In fact the whole night is sort of a blissful blur. He somehow caught my eye. He was incredibly tall, broad, muscular, he had dark hair and these ice blue eyes that when I happened to make contact with him I couldn't look away, and it didn't feel awkward. What I remember most about him is his lips, his smile. Even now when I picture it in my minds eye my heart literally skips a beat.

Before I knew it I had been speaking to him for over an hour, I had no idea where my other friends were, usually this would worry me but I felt totally safe and comfortable in his company. I had no idea about any of my surroundings in fact. I was completely engrossed in him and our conversation, although I fail to remember exactly what we talked about now.

When I kissed him all the noise of the bar seemed to diminish completely, for a moment I totally forgot where I was. It was like it took me to another world and I had never felt so elated as I did then. I remember jokingly telling him that he was too tall for me to kiss, he then bended his knees to make himself smaller and then the weirdest thing happened. He leaned towards me, put his hands around my waist, put his head on my shoulder and just held me. It was in that moment that I realised that this was not just some random guy I kiss in a pub and never see and give a second thought about again. I knew that this person was going to be someone significant to me. I already felt like I had known him forever, I felt like we were best friends. I still, to this day don't understand how I felt like this about him as I am normally very cautious when it comes to strangers.

Because of that night and meeting him, June, July and August became the best months of my year. I spent so many long summer nights with him talking about music, books, philosophy, space, consciousness, science, literally everything. He would play the piano and guitar for me as I would sit there in awe of how someone could be so smart, talented and handsome all in one. We had many a walk a long the canal, we went on little road trips so I could take photographs, we once went to see Ms Browns Boys in the cinema and we had to leave for a bit because we could not stop laughing about how we were the only people under 60 in the cinema. Everything was funnier when I was with him. Our relationship was like a combination of siblings (we loved to argue about silly things), lovers and best friends. Whenever I was in his company I would completely forget all of my worries and problems and I would be in a state of utter happiness. As soon as I would see him I wouldn't stop smiling or laughing.

He never once told me he liked me, or that he cared about me, or that he wanted anything from me, he never complemented me on anything or told me I looked nice. But when I was with him I felt like the best version of myself. I felt like everything I said was interesting, I told the best jokes when I was with him, I felt so beautiful and incredibly confident whenever I was in his presence.

As August drew in, the nights started to get longer and the leaves started to turn brown. I wanted to pause time more than anything in the world, I wanted summer to last forever. I always knew he had to leave. He had to go back home and start his placement. I understood. In fact I admired him for being so determined to become a doctor that he had no time for anything else. I knew all along that nothing would become of this. He would never be my boyfriend, and that not so long in the future there would be a day where I would have to say goodbye forever but, and I still can't decide if this was foolish of me or not, but I decided to live in the present and not think about how I might feel in the future. I knew that I would most likely regret not seeing him when I could more than I would regret getting too attached and ending up hurt. As they say 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all'.

On the 10th of August, I lay in his arms at night, when he looked at me and said 'so two more weeks and I have to go', all I could get out was 'I know' and I spent the rest of the night laying there awake, I didn't want to fall asleep because this reality was too good and too short that being asleep would only waste it. I just took in every minute of those 8 hours of being in his arms, of feeling his body heat, and listening to his heart because I knew it would be one of the last times I would be so close to him and I didn't know when, if ever I would feel like this again, so happy, so comfortable, so secure and fulfilled.

It's now been over two months since I last saw him or spoke to him. I still think about him a lot, every day in fact. I sometimes wonder if he is thinking of me too because I never truly knew how he felt about me. We never told each other. I think we did this because if we did tell each other, it would make things so much harder when he had to leave. The only interaction I have with him now is seeing his name on my Facebook chat. However, I don't feel like I can chat to him. I have removed him from appearing on my timeline because I couldn't cope with seeing his name everywhere - it made me miss him too much, however, I admit I still purposely go on to his page to see new pictures of him and my heart sinks every time I do because I am sad I am not in his life any more and I am disgustingly jealous of those who are.

Sometimes I think 'if only I didn't let my friend convince me to go in to town that night, if only I said 'no' none of this would ever have happened, and I wouldn't be left longing for the past and missing someone so deeply' but at the same time, I am glad to know of his existence and I am glad that I spent an albeit short but amazing summer with him. It's easy to be mad at the world for giving me something and then taking it away again but I believe that everyone we meet has a part to play in our lives, something to teach us, and I have learned a lot from Adam, a lot about who I am, what I am worth, how happy I can be, how much potential I have and what I want in life. I also believe in fate, just like the fate that brought us together. So if anything is ever meant to be, we will cross paths again and it will be.


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Chloe Norton said...

Wow amazing story. Sorry to hear that he had to go back home and you haven't spoken to him in ages. I am sure that if it was meant to be, then you will meet again in the future x

Kiki Mincks said...

My heart aches for you. But you're totally right, it's better to have loved and lost than not at all. A life without love is unbearable. If it's meant to be your paths will cross again. I am sure he felt the same toward you. Two strangers dont embrace in a pub for the hell of it. He felt something that night. He wanted to hold on to it for a bit more.

Sinead Dreaming said...

Thanks kiki I actually kind of welled up when I read this because I hope you are right and I wasn't just a 'summer fling' to him which I sometimes think I could have been and then I feel annoyed for missing him! Writing this has really helped me figure out my feelings though :) xxxx

Sinead Dreaming said...

Yes! I feel like I could never find anyone better but if he's not meant to be I guess I will :) he has heightened my standards a lot though because he treated me better than anyone else ever has and now I feel like I will never 'settle' if that makes sense haha x

Emma McIlroy said...

I just wrote out a really long comment, and then blogger deleted it, but I will try to replicate it.
Firstly, this is a really well written story, it had me gripped the whole time. Like, it is interesting enough to be the premise for a novel, because I would read that novel.
And secondly, this is where I would insert advice, but alas, I don't have any. But really, I don't think you need it, because from what I've seen on here, you are an amazing woman Sinead. :)

Sinead Dreaming said...

Awh Emma <3 this was so lovely to read first thing in the morning. Put me in a good mood for the day :) x

Nixie johnson said...

This was such a beautiful story, I wish it was a novel! I love how positive you are about the situation!
Nixie xx

Sinead K said...

Thank you so much! These comments about my writing really put me at ease. I'm an English teacher but I've always felt like my creative writing is the worst part of that subject. Its so nice to hear that I might actually be good at it and hence will be able to teach it well :) xxx

Grace Christine said...

Aw Sinead, what a lovely (and well-written) story. I am so glad you shared this. I think I need to say yes to more things in life. I would give you advice but I think you have such a mature, positive outlook on the entire situation that I don't think you need any. I truly believe that if it is meant to be, you will find each other again somehow, someday :) Hope all is well!
xx Grace

Meg Kernaghan said...

Sinead, I am speechless. This was such a huge thing to share with us.
I think you're right to have said yes to have gone where life takes you, even if that means you're hurting now.
I know it doesn't help much now, but I honestly believe everything is happening for a reason. If it's meant to be, it will be and if it isn't, you will have learnt something about yourself, grown in yourself, and you'll be more ready when a great love will come along. Maybe I'm too sappy!

Keep saying yes, keep living xx

Anna said...

Reading this story & remembering talking to you all about it!

we need a catch up Sinead!

*hugs* <3 xxxx

Abigail ~ said...

this. i don't know exactly how i found your blog but i was scrolling down and this pulled me in. this is so beautiful. your very words ache with longing and sadness and love. you write so well. simply, yet eloquent, and at the end i was exhausted, feeling almost as though the same circumstances had happened to me.
i wish you all the best in your life.

Sinead Dreaming said...

I am glad I've said yes so much this year :) x

Sinead Dreaming said...

Ya it's a bit personal and I feel a little but eeeek having it up here but I know you are all lovely people so it's ok :) Thanks Megan <3 xxx

Sinead Dreaming said...

Yes, yes we do!! <3 xxx

Sinead Dreaming said...

I would never consider myself a good write but thanks so much! this means a lot :) X


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